It's been a very long time. Things may be changing, but that it the tendency for things that keep track of humans and human nature. A lot of my feelings and thoughts have change and will continue to change. For that, I make no apologies. As usual, my aim is not to offend anyone but to let out everything that's cranking around in my head. Read, don't read, your choice...but I am a lot of fun, once you get to know me. :)
So, anyway, it's been a very long time. So much has happened in the past year. Worked, stopped working, tried being a server, went back to massage, tried to go to school, tried out a personal trainer, got injured, decided to move back home, etc etc etc etc. Life happens for everyone, right? Of course.
Last night, I watched a documentary that has had, I believe, a phenomenally positive change on my life already. I will be the first to admit that I get very easily excited about new things, and that I typically dive in head first without much consideration (see the scar on my forehead <literally>? Yeah...I really do that). I've done it again. I watched this very powerful and moving documentary called "Vegucated." It was amazing. Powerful, graphic, and inspiring. Since watching it, I have scoured vegan websites and blogs looking for ways to veganize my life. I even took a "Vegan Pledge." Sounds scary and rather cult-ish, but it really wasn't (a bit intimidating, of course). It was simply me signing up saying that I would live vegan for x days (I picked 30. Go big or go home!). They email you tips for difficult conversations, how to eat out, how to eat on a budget, how not to be "that" vegan (you know what I mean...the one NO ONE wants to go out with...the one NO ONE wants to talk about food and/or animals to), and a bunch of other useful tidbits. I highlighted a few that my Love and I had discussed previously (how we would eat when we travel, where we could go to eat out now, what I would even be able to eat at all, whether or not the food we had would be good enough, etc), and he seemed to be less worried about it after that. He saw a few of the video clips AND my getting emotional over the treatment of baby chicks (don't get me started, I get emotional just thinking about it...maybe I'm pmsing hahahaha)...so I think he knows that I want to put my all into it. He's been here for a lot of exciting beginnings and disappointing endings, too, so I understand his skepticism. Anyway, I am excited and have had a wonderful day 1. I didn't even take my usual nap (because I get so sleepy that I usually need one). Tomorrow may be different, as I am wired now and have class in 8 hours.... :-D I ate nommy rice and veggies, had delicious tea, and feel rather happy that no animals were killed for the purpose of nourishing me today. I will not go on a rant of trying to change anyone's mind on the food issue. Eat whatever makes you happy. I won't harass you about it, you don't harass me about it. That's the deal. UNLESS, of course, I have an awful encounter with someone and must blab about it here. It might happen (or I might fall off the face of the universe again).
Okay, something else I want to share. Something I've kept private for a long time, but want to reach out to my friends about (maybe helping one of them who is thinking the same things or maybe they will gain some understanding about me). Okay, so...I got this notebook to write everything down in. A journal-thing. I was thinking maybe a quote book, or maybe something else more ethereal...but it turns out what I really wanted was a place to write thoughts so I could sleep. Well, it is serving that purpose (as well as me sharing bits of it here, too), but the original intention of this little $2 book was to cover something much more scary that I was intent on suffering. I was ready (until watching this documentary, btw) to try to become anorexic. That's pretty awful, no? I mean, I shouldn't judge myself because that makes it worse, but I know that it isn't a good idea. I know that it isn't healthy. I know that it is a disorder. But you know what? I have tried all sorts of healthy ways to lose weight and absolutely nothing is helping. I am not a stupid person by any means (not trying to be arrogant here), I just considered this as a viable and even desirable option to be able to achieve my goals. I had been losing weight with my first trainer, but then I got passed
off to someone else and the loss stopped. And the injuries ensued. And
classes got more strenuous. And...and...and...life just kept coming. The
weight wouldn't stay away, and after not being ABLE to work out for a
couple of weeks, I felt the old, awful body coming back. I can barely walk properly now (because of my injury) and so the weight is either staying put or multiplying. There is no losing going on. I starved myself quite a few days (maybe more) since my injury a couple months ago. I was fine those days (albeit very cranky). I felt happy to have an empty stomach. It made me feel like I could accomplish that elusive goal. On days that I would eat, I'd drink tea to keep me from getting too hungry, and eat popcorn (not too much, mind you). More often than not, I would only eat one meal per day (Lunchtime, right after class, since I never wanted to get up early enough to eat before class). I didn't really lose weight this way, but it absolutely felt better than to eat anything and just gain weight. I don't know how I have been expecting my body to heal from its injury without feeding it what it needs, but weight became more important than my back. It still is, really, but I'm coming around to healthier ways of getting where I need to be. Anyway, I had bought this journal to get out my hunger, basically. To write about how good it would feel to have an empty stomach and write about how much more I'll love my body when I'm thin. I would write about the things I most want to change. I would write about how bad it feels to eat. I would write about how nice the clothes are that others are wearing, but I can't fit into. I would write about how beautiful other people were and how thin they were. I would write about anything that would keep me from eating. I would even put "thinspo" pictures in there to encourage abstaining from food. That was the sole purpose of the journal. Happily (I suppose), the journal never had anorexic encouragement written in it. I did, of course, record that the purpose had changed (in a positive way) to chronicle 30 days of veganism...and anything else that happened in those 30 days...instead of a nosedive into anorexia. Don't get me wrong, I still want to be thin. I have battled with my weight my entire adult life, and a large portion of my childhood as well. I haven't been small since 3rd or 4th grade, if then. I have always felt self-conscious. I am constantly at war with myself over whether or not I want to love my body now and be happy with it, or whether I am completely disgusted with myself and don't even want to look in the mirror. I will say that I am not happy with myself. I am glad that I can look presentable, but no amount of "love yourself" or "you're perfect how you are" is going to change the FACT that I absolutely hate being overweight. I don't use hate toooooooo often, really. I want it to mean something. It does mean something here. I hate being fat. Whether I am made fun of or not, I do not notice, really. I have anxiety from being a fat kid (and now a fat adult) and not feeling comfortable having people look at me. I cannot sit down at someone's house with them looking directly at me, at least not comfortably (unless I'm drinking. WHOLE different ball game). I have been in a series of unfortunate relationships with people who did not care about nor respect me because I had no respect for myself. I thought that, because I was fat, I couldn't do any better (oh man, thank goodness I was wrong). I abhor going clothes shopping, for obvious reasons. I avoid social gatherings for the same reason. I love people, but I don't like being the fat one, and often, I am. I don't even like going to my boyfriend's parents' house for dinner, because I feel like they judge my eating (note: we've been together for almost 4 years...they are not judging what I eat and I know that. They treat me like family and don't care what I look like as long as he and I are happy together). I have missed out on a big portion of life and enjoying things simply because my weight has been an issue to me. There is a reason people want to be anorexic. I cannot speak for everyone, but I don't see models and think "I want her body." I'd love their bodies, but it's not realistic. What happens to me is kinda the opposite. I see my body and think "I don't want this body." I don't think that it is because society tells me that I need to look a certain way...I think that it is because I do not find myself attractive. I know how I need to change to be able to find myself attractive. This is not me. Perhaps that is my biggest problem. People don't see me. They see Fat Erin...
Anyway, I wasn't intending to go on a rant about anorexia or my personal battle with weight. I just wanted to let that out. I am tired of pretending like I "love my curves"...I don't have curves to love, really. I have lumps and bulges. If I HAD curves, I'd like them. lol. I am just tired of pretending. I don't want it to seem as though veganism is the method for weight loss for me, though. It is far more than that. I expect weight loss to be a side-effect, but it is not the goal. I want to lessen my impact on society (yes, there are other ways I could do it, and I'll work on those later, perhaps). I want to see animals as friends, not food. I want to live a long and healthy life. I want to be able to grow most of my own food (in the future...living in an apartment atm). I want to be in control of my body and the food that nourishes it. I do not want any animal to suffer in order to "nourish" me. In some cultures and in some eras it is/was necessary. Not for me. Perhaps for you, it is. Not for me. Again, I will not judge others or try to force them to change their minds. Heck, I may change my own mind later (I don't want to be eating my words if I do :D). If anyone has questions, I'd be happy to answer them to the best of my ability, but I'm not wanting to argue with anyone about this. If you're offended, so be it. It is a personal choice that I shouldn't have to defend to anyone (though I can!).
Anyway, enough defensive-ness. I should probably get to finishing up some reading for class tomorrow. I hope everyone has a wonderful day/night.
Aloha
