Love

Life is wonderful. Certainly busy for me as it is for anyone else. But I am happy. My love left today to head home. The last goodbye for a while. Bittersweet. Soon we'll be together again and not have to say goodbye for such a long time. I am really excited for those days.

I have the most wonderful, supportive, and loving friends and family. They have so much knowledge and experience and I truly enjoy my time spent with them. They never cease to amaze me.

I need to craft more. My creative juices are being strangled by school. Luckily, it is my final UG semester, so I'll be able to focus on creativity again soon.

Today is just another wonderful day on earth. I love every breath. Imo, go hug someone today. <3

Aloha

Florida...again

Today is a kind of tough day for me. I am back in South Florida and my Love is in Georgia still. I am more than ready for school to be over for us both so that we can be together in the same place. We had a wonderful time together in Tampa before he left, though, so I have some wonderful memories to hold onto until I get to see him again soon. After living with someone for over a year, even two weeks without seeing them is tough. I know that in the future, with the kind of jobs he wants to do, we will have to be apart more...doesn't make it easier. Distance sucks. I hope that school will keep me aptly distracted. That and my awesome friends. Right now I do want to cry, though (Hey, I'm a very emotional person). I think I might...and that's okay. I'm allowed to cry. I am glad that I love someone enough to want to be with them like this. I think it'd be much more sad if I didn't have this love in my life. Not that people who don't should be sad, but more that this is right for me. <3

Anyway, I need to go study and also game. :) Happy Sunday. And Happy Birthday to my amazing and most wonderful sister. <3 <3 <3 Lots of love today!

Aloha

Frustration

Okay, 4 days in and the struggle begins. Today is the most frustrating day for me so far, in trying veganism (I NOW feel like 30 days is going to be a very long time). We were invited to go out and celebrate my Love's recent hard work, and none of the restaurants that his family want to go to have more than a salad as a vegan option. Baked potatoes dipped in bacon grease, soups made with chicken base, vegetables sauteed in butter...I am rather sad, as I wanted to go out with them. Unfortunately even most vegetarian choices are off-limits because of dairy products and egg being in them. It is vastly frustrating, because I want to be able to have dinner with them and celebrate. Even the wines we have aren't vegan. All this information is rather overwhelming today. On top of all of that, I am highly emotional anyway. After a ridiculously stressful week...I just want to have a glass of wine and eat some french fries. Instead, I am going to make my own sweet potato "fries," a salad, and a vegan chik patty. I may also buy some vegan wine (if I can find some at publix) or just get some beer. I know that I should view this as an opportunity to overcome the stress of trying e new lifestyle...and I should also understand that change is difficult...but today I am just sad. I also know that our fourth anniversary is falling within this 30 days, and I am not really sure where we will be able to go and celebrate. I think once I hit Tampa, I am going to try to find a vegan group to join or something, even if only online. This is tougher than I'd foreseen. SO GLAD I HAVE VEGAN "ICE CREAM," THOUGH. Holy heck, I'm going to enjoy the bejesus out of the chocolate almond-milk frozen happiness in the freezer. And maybe watch girly movies on netflix. This sounds like an awesome evening, actually. NOW things are looking up. <3

Aloha

Week-end Round Up!

What a crazy week this has been.

Veganism day 2 went swimmingly. I enjoyed grocery shopping for delicious food. I got these delightful non-dairy "ice cream" sandwiches. They are TINY, but so tasty, and just what I need when I want something sweet! I was so excited to find a great selection of vegan food at my local supermarket. Of course there are many more varieties and options out there, but it is nice to have some staples nearby. Today has gone rather well in that regard, also. 

I am glad, for the first time, that classes are winding to a close. I enjoy only a few of them now...definitely less than half of them. I am just getting frustrated (infuriated, but I tried to calm myself down from that) with people who are jerks. It really isn't okay to try to make someone feel bad or to purposefully make fun of them. It's not really very nice to gang up on someone and treat them poorly. No one appreciates it, so why would one do that to someone else?! I guess I am ready for a break from people like that...but seeing as how I won't get a real break from school until December, I will just have to suck it up and deal with it.

I am moving very soon. In a week and a half, actually. I have bittersweet feelings about it. Other than the love for my apartment and the enjoyment of having LOTS of time to myself, I am really going to miss being close to my Love every day. We've lived together for over a year...I've seen him almost every day for the two that I've lived here. I don't really want to go back to that long distance thing. I am sure that I can stomach it this time, though, as I have some pretty awesome Florida friends who will be distracting me enough to not worry about it. I'm just rather anxious. Beyond THAT, I really like some of my professors (even the ones who teach classes that I'd rather not take). I have asked some of them if it would be okay with them to keep in contact after I move. I am very excited to do so. 

The sweet part of this deal is just enough to keep me moving in that direction, though. The friends in Florida is a big part, but the even bigger part is that I will be able to FINALLY finish my degree. It's been 10 years since I graduated high school. For the past few years, I have really been feeling as though I was behind. As if I were in some sort of race with others my age to accomplish milestones in life. I felt happy for them doing things with their lives, of course, but also sad for myself for not nearly accomplishing as much. Sure, I don't have an undergrad degree, let alone a graduate degree. Sure, I don't own a house. Sure, I don't have a husband or children. Sure, I still don't know what I want to do when I "grow up." But I have been becoming more comfortable with that. I have decided that I don't need to have finished my degree to have enjoyed the last ten years. I don't need to own a house. Since I'm not tied down to one place, I really do have the freedom to move anywhere that I want to move! That should be exciting, not sad. And I don't need to be married or have children to be loved. There is a lot of love in my life as it is. My boyfriend, my friends, my family, my dag, and even sometimes my cat...they all give me unconditional love and support. Lastly, I'm perfectly happy not knowing exactly what I want to do when I finish my degree. I have a lot of options, and those excite me to no end. Teaching is a big one, and I think it'd be wonderful. Law school is another. Getting a Master's in Economics is another. Travelling the world and writing is another. I could even trek across the world and take pictures or play music or paint or plan weddings or design wedding dresses or make an impact on the world in my own way. Why should I feel bad that I have yet to limit myself and my dreams? I really shouldn't. So I have been trying to make myself stop being so hard on...myself. It is a slow process, as it is rather easy for me to get into the mindset of wanting to have accomplished x, y, and z before a certain age. But taking time to read a book on the patio and listen to the wind-chimes and drink a glass of wine is wonderful. Pulling out my flute and playing for a bit is great. Getting some fabric together and sewing random things is a delight. Even just going on a drive with my Love and laughing so much with one another is something that I wouldn't trade for the world. I am trying to live my life by having lots of wonderful memories to enjoy in the moment and smile when I look back on them rather than just judging my life according to someone else's scale.

Well, that went rather differently than I had expected. Oh well, let it flow naturally, I suppose! I have a ton of final exam and final paper stuff to do now, so I think I'll get on that. Thank you for sharing some time with me today! <3

Aloha

Sometimes life ISN'T such a faerie tale

It's been a very long time. Things may be changing, but that it the tendency for things that keep track of humans and human nature. A lot of my feelings and thoughts have change and will continue to change. For that, I make no apologies. As usual, my aim is not to offend anyone but to let out everything that's cranking around in my head. Read, don't read, your choice...but I am a lot of fun, once you get to know me. :)

So, anyway, it's been a very long time. So much has happened in the past year. Worked, stopped working, tried being a server, went back to massage, tried to go to school, tried out a personal trainer, got injured, decided to move back home, etc etc etc etc. Life happens for everyone, right? Of course.

Last night, I watched a documentary that has had, I believe, a phenomenally positive change on my life already. I will be the first to admit that I get very easily excited about new things, and that I typically dive in head first without much consideration (see the scar on my forehead <literally>? Yeah...I really do that). I've done it again. I watched this very powerful and moving documentary called "Vegucated." It was amazing. Powerful, graphic, and inspiring. Since watching it, I have scoured vegan websites and blogs looking for ways to veganize my life. I even took a "Vegan Pledge." Sounds scary and rather cult-ish, but it really wasn't (a bit intimidating, of course). It was simply me signing up saying that I would live vegan for x days (I picked 30. Go big or go home!). They email you tips for difficult conversations, how to eat out, how to eat on a budget, how not to be "that" vegan (you know what I mean...the one NO ONE wants to go out with...the one NO ONE wants to talk about food and/or animals to), and a bunch of other useful tidbits. I highlighted a few that my Love and I had discussed previously (how we would eat when we travel, where we could go to eat out now, what I would even be able to eat at all, whether or not the food we had would be good enough, etc), and he seemed to be less worried about it after that. He saw a few of the video clips AND my getting emotional over the treatment of baby chicks (don't get me started, I get emotional just thinking about it...maybe I'm pmsing hahahaha)...so I think he knows that I want to put my all into it. He's been here for a lot of exciting beginnings and disappointing endings, too, so I understand his skepticism. Anyway, I am excited and have had a wonderful day 1. I didn't even take my usual nap (because I get so sleepy that I usually need one). Tomorrow may be different, as I am wired now and have class in 8 hours.... :-D I ate nommy rice and veggies, had delicious tea, and feel rather happy that no animals were killed for the purpose of nourishing me today. I will not go on a rant of trying to change anyone's mind on the food issue. Eat whatever makes you happy. I won't harass you about it, you don't harass me about it. That's the deal. UNLESS, of course, I have an awful encounter with someone and must blab about it here. It might happen (or I might fall off the face of the universe again).

Okay, something else I want to share. Something I've kept private for a long time, but want to reach out to my friends about (maybe helping one of them who is thinking the same things or maybe they will gain some understanding about me). Okay, so...I got this notebook to write everything down in. A journal-thing. I was thinking maybe a quote book, or maybe something else more ethereal...but it turns out what I really wanted was a place to write thoughts so I could sleep. Well, it is serving that purpose (as well as me sharing bits of it here, too), but the original intention of this little $2 book was to cover something much more scary that I was intent on suffering. I was ready (until watching this documentary, btw) to try to become anorexic. That's pretty awful, no? I mean, I shouldn't judge myself because that makes it worse, but I know that it isn't a good idea. I know that it isn't healthy. I know that it is a disorder. But you know what? I have tried all sorts of healthy ways to lose weight and absolutely nothing is helping. I am not a stupid person by any means (not trying to be arrogant here), I just considered this as a viable and even desirable option to be able to achieve my goals. I had been losing weight with my first trainer, but then I got passed off to someone else and the loss stopped. And the injuries ensued. And classes got more strenuous. And...and...and...life just kept coming. The weight wouldn't stay away, and after not being ABLE to work out for a couple of weeks, I felt the old, awful body coming back. I can barely walk properly now (because of my injury) and so the weight is either staying put or multiplying. There is no losing going on. I starved myself quite a few days (maybe more) since my injury a couple months ago. I was fine those days (albeit very cranky). I felt happy to have an empty stomach. It made me feel like I could accomplish that elusive goal. On days that I would eat, I'd drink tea to keep me from getting too hungry, and eat popcorn (not too much, mind you). More often than not, I would only eat one meal per day (Lunchtime, right after class, since I never wanted to get up early enough to eat before class). I didn't really lose weight this way, but it absolutely felt better than to eat anything and just gain weight. I don't know how I have been expecting my body to heal from its injury without feeding it what it needs, but weight became more important than my back. It still is, really, but I'm coming around to healthier ways of getting where I need to be. Anyway, I had bought this journal to get out my hunger, basically. To write about how good it would feel to have an empty stomach and write about how much more I'll love my body when I'm thin. I would write about the things I most want to change. I would write about how bad it feels to eat. I would write about how nice the clothes are that others are wearing, but I can't fit into. I would write about how beautiful other people were and how thin they were. I would write about anything that would keep me from eating. I would even put "thinspo" pictures in there to encourage abstaining from food. That was the sole purpose of the journal. Happily (I suppose), the journal never had anorexic encouragement written in it. I did, of course, record that the purpose had changed (in a positive way) to chronicle 30 days of veganism...and anything else that happened in those 30 days...instead of a nosedive into anorexia. Don't get me wrong, I still want to be thin. I have battled with my weight my entire adult life, and a large portion of my childhood as well. I haven't been small since 3rd or 4th grade, if then. I have always felt self-conscious. I am constantly at war with myself over whether or not I want to love my body now and be happy with it, or whether I am completely disgusted with myself and don't even want to look in the mirror. I will say that I am not happy with myself. I am glad that I can look presentable, but no amount of "love yourself" or "you're perfect how you are" is going to change the FACT that I absolutely hate being overweight. I don't use hate toooooooo often, really. I want it to mean something. It does mean something here. I hate being fat. Whether I am made fun of or not, I do not notice, really. I have anxiety from being a fat kid (and now a fat adult) and not feeling comfortable having people look at me. I cannot sit down at someone's house with them looking directly at me, at least not comfortably (unless I'm drinking. WHOLE different ball game). I have been in a series of unfortunate relationships with people who did not care about nor respect me because I had no respect for myself. I thought that, because I was fat, I couldn't do any better (oh man, thank goodness I was wrong). I abhor going clothes shopping, for obvious reasons. I avoid social gatherings for the same reason. I love people, but I don't like being the fat one, and often, I am. I don't even like going to my boyfriend's parents' house for dinner, because I feel like they judge my eating (note: we've been together for almost 4 years...they are not judging what I eat and I know that. They treat me like family and don't care what I look like as long as he and I are happy together). I have missed out on a big portion of life and enjoying things simply because my weight has been an issue to me. There is a reason people want to be anorexic. I cannot speak for everyone, but I don't see models and think "I want her body." I'd love their bodies, but it's not realistic. What happens to me is kinda the opposite. I see my body and think "I don't want this body." I don't think that it is because society tells me that I need to look a certain way...I think that it is because I do not find myself attractive. I know how I need to change to be able to find myself attractive. This is not me. Perhaps that is my biggest problem. People don't see me. They see Fat Erin...

Anyway, I wasn't intending to go on a rant about anorexia or my personal battle with weight. I just wanted to let that out. I am tired of pretending like I "love my curves"...I don't have curves to love, really. I have lumps and bulges. If I HAD curves, I'd like them. lol. I am just tired of pretending. I don't want it to seem as though veganism is the method for weight loss for me, though. It is far more than that. I expect weight loss to be a side-effect, but it is not the goal. I want to lessen my impact on society (yes, there are other ways I could do it, and I'll work on those later, perhaps). I want to see animals as friends, not food. I want to live a long and healthy life. I want to be able to grow most of my own food (in the future...living in an apartment atm). I want to be in control of my body and the food that nourishes it. I do not want any animal to suffer in order to "nourish" me. In some cultures and in some eras it is/was necessary. Not for me. Perhaps for you, it is. Not for me. Again, I will not judge others or try to force them to change their minds. Heck, I may change my own mind later (I don't want to be eating my words if I do :D). If anyone has questions, I'd be happy to answer them to the best of my ability, but I'm not wanting to argue with anyone about this. If you're offended, so be it. It is a personal choice that I shouldn't have to defend to anyone (though I can!).

Anyway, enough defensive-ness. I should probably get to finishing up some reading for class tomorrow. I hope everyone has a wonderful day/night.

Aloha

Man, I'm bad at this blogging thing!

Well, another month has come and gone. Today WILL be short, as I'm just trying to kill my obligatory 15 minutes after drinking something before I will workout (I don't want to throw up or anything, so...yeah, I'll wait!). I can't believe that it's August, AND that August is about halfway over! School starts for me on Friday, and I am elated. My love is not as excited as I am, but I think that he has the last-semester blues...I suppose he'll get over them when he learns that it's okay not to have life planned beyond graduation yet! I told him to take a breather, a semester off, go visit friends and family, and get a part-time job, then decide about grad school or something else. He is young and has all the time in the world. if he wants. :) As for me, I'm just elated to be in-state AND be able to follow a program that I'm interested in. I think that I will try to teach or something for a bit, then maybe go back to school for a music ed graduate degree. I just can't get away from my love of music, and my wanting to teach high school or college band. We'll see how that goes, though. I do change my mind rather a lot.

What else? Well, I'm trying to work on this problem that I have of overkill when I'm debating with someone. I guess because when I know something, I really know it, and if it is fact based, I can usually whip out quite a few to prove my point if you want to argue with me about it. Apparently that is not a good thing...I feel (at this point) like it's ignorant to not want to know when you're absolutely wrong, but hey, I suppose perhaps I'll get over that. Or go to law school. I always imagine that you can be as self-righteous as you want when you're a lawyer and people dismiss it because you're one. Maybe that's what I'd like, a free pass. Haha, or perhaps the courtroom would be a good outlet for my personality quirk. :)

I am working out...often-ish, and am starting to see results. We are trying to eat healthier, and are doing okay on that front, too. Way less processed foods, but we still have a break from diet/exercise once or twice a week. It's been slow in coming, but I'm past the 5 lb loss mark, so I feel like I'm building momentum. Today will be another step toward that when I'm done blogging! :) I am soooo excited to get home from the gym and eat, though! That's always the BEST meal of the day for me! And, if it's a good one, I feel awesome alllll day!!

Okay, gonna go workout before heading to yoga!! <3

Aloha

Happy July!!

Well, I have been slow at updating, but that's because I've been busy with (as usual) work, working out, and sleeping. ALL OF WHICH ARE VASTLY IMPORTANT! But this week, I am on VACATION! Love and I went with his family to Holden Beach again (it's a small island just north of Oak Island, which is just north of the NC/SC border). This is year 3 for me to go with them. This year, it is a little different feeling, though I'm not sure how. It has been pretty enjoyable and I actually got in the water yesterday! I may have had a few minor freak-outs because of stepping on things that were not sand (nor shells, from what I could tell)...and who thinks that when I step on something slimy, an appropriate response is "oh, that's probably just a jellyfish..."?!?!?!?!?! Does that really seem like the best answer?!? And then, AFTER that, of course tendrils of "seaweed" (in quotes because I still don't fully know) like to wrap around my ankles. I decided that I need water shoes. While shopping last time, I forgot about that need, but if we go today, I MAY just get some!!

What else has been going on? I injured my back this past Thursday, again. I was in Zumba, apparently moving and shaking too much. This is, of course, after I already had to back down from weight training classes because of my shoulder. Now I have to take it SUPER-DUPER easy with working out. Zumba, Yoga, Pilates (if I can), and maybe some other cardio-based classes. I am kind of disappointed because I was feeling and seeing results from all the working out I was doing. Maybe I wasn't giving myself enough recovery time or something like that. I don't know, I was feeling stronger, but my body finally gave up. I am going to try to do Yoga and Pilates more so that I can stretch, strengthen gently, and build my core up. I just have to adhere to my body telling me what is too much and know that I can't push myself as far while I am still healing from my back injury. It's okay, though. I will be okay, even if it takes a while.

Oh, so I will be starting school again in the fall. I got accepted at both places that I applied to, but I don't think that I want to drive super far to school every day...though the drive will either be far to school or far to work. I have signed up for orientation at one school already, and I think that I can finish in 2-2.5 years. 5 semesters approximately, and I'd really like to knock out some classes over the summer, too. I am excited, though the selection for classes this late in the summer SUCKS, I do know that every class opens up the first week of school. Speaking of school, Love applied to graduate in the Fall! I am so excited, but he hasn't been able to register for any classes yet. After the next round of registration, we're going to email his professors to see if they can put him in the classes. Not sure how that'll go...but we'll see.

Might be going out on a boat today. Fishing or just boating. I am super excited. Haven't been fishing on a boat in forever! Hopefully we'll be catching up a feast!! :) Anywho, I need to run and get ready for the day...take some medicine and wake up Love. :) Hope all is well on the main land!

Aloha